What can I say?
Is it really that important?
Why me? Who wants to hear from me?
These are the types of questions I have found myself asking. I have not published a piece in over a year, and those questions are one of the main reasons that has happened. Sure, I’ve become super busy taking on a second job as a young adult leader at my church and yes, I have also had the honor of finding out that I am a dad to a little girl who is to be born in August. This is all true, but it’s the questions that have truly kept me from writing.
I mean, who am I that I should speak? Straight. White. Male. Evangelical. I’m the type of person that I’ve tried to avoid listening to over the past couple years. I would rather read blogs from people with different experiences than my own and hear voices that have long gone unheard. I would rather take time listening and reading from those people than typing my own thoughts.
I have come to see that people who do what I do really piss me off. I’ve wasted hours of my life reading blogs from pastors and teachers such as myself on websites like the Gospel Coalition and Desiring God, and even more hours spent in anger and disgust at what those people said. I am stunned by the number of dangerous, hurtful, sexist, racist, unbiblical, and downright ungodly posts that I have seen from men like me who think that they are doing the world a favor by sharing their thoughts.
Not only that, but I have written things in the past that have hurt people. Words that I meant in the best possible way were taken to mean something else, and legitimately so. Words that were meant to inspire dragged some people down. Words that were meant to heal only opened more wounds.
As a teacher, I have found that my words are far more dangerous than others because people take what I say as having some authority. At 23 years old, I am only beginning to scratch the surface of knowledge and wisdom, and yet my spoken thoughts today - which could be different next week - could have an impact on others beyond that. I am finding that the things I say and the way I act is more open to scrutiny now that it ever was before.
So why write? Why this post?
Truthfully, I don’t know. I felt compelled this morning by words I’ve read from other blogs and even tweets from some of the people I follow on Twitter. I also took time to read a couple chapters of Isaiah this morning, and chapter 6 hit home (as well as the rest of the book. Seriously, go read it if you never have. I’m reading the NLT translation and it has been incredible). I am compelled not to write perfectly, but to write. I feel called to speak - not to anyone in particular, but to myself. I’ve realized I need to hear my own voice again, even if that’s just to straighten things out in my head.
I’m planning on publishing this post but not sharing it like I used to. This post is not for anyone else; it’s just for me. Words have failed me for the last year, and I think it’s time I got back on track.
I saw the Lord. He was sitting on a lofty throne, and the train of his robe filled the Temple. Attending him were mighty seraphim, each having six wings. With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they flew. They were calling out to each other,
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Heaven’s Armies!
The whole earth is filled with his glory!”
Their voices shook the Temple to its foundations, and the entire building was filled with smoke.
Then I said, “It’s all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man. I have filthy lips, and I live among a people with filthy lips. Yet I have seen the King, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.”
Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal he had taken from the altar with a pair of tongs. He touched my lips with it and said, “See, this coal has touched your lips. Now your guilt is removed, and your sins are forgiven.”